he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
