Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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