I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
