this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
