I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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