Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
