i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
