the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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