I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
