My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
