Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I didn't notice because vodka
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
