i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
