Don't make out with my wife yet
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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