Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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