I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize