She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
