My underwear smells like fireworks.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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