I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
