So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
