Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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