The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
