wrigley field is MILF paradise
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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