Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
