Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
