So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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