Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Can you bring me the toilet please
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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