Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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