I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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