In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
