every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
