drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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