so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize