If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
