Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
