He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
