Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
