True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
