I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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