The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize