Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
