Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
we're making bets on your personal life
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
