I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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