I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
