just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
