I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
