Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
