HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize