if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
