new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
