I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
