Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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