the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
