Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
