Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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