please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
