Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
