Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
