I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
