she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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