I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
