Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
