Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
