I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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