This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
