we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize